It's a damn cold night...

Forgiving is love's toughest work, and love's biggest risk. To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.
いつか失ってしまうのかな。薄れてゆく笑顔と君を守りたい。
-- D-technolife

If fate is a wheel, then we are the sand that is crushed between the cogs.

Don't judge a life by one difficult season.

独自并不代表孤单,在一群人中狂笑着有时更寂寞。
-- 吴庆康

At times it may not even seem rational, but the heart has a computing ability that is far more accurate and far more precise than anything within the limits of rational thought.
-- Deepak Chopra
于是我让孤独更孤独,有一种不是悲伤的悲伤,才是刻骨铭心的悲伤。
Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love.
-- St Francis.
People's actions are influenced by their expectations. People respond not just to what is happening now, but to what they anticipate will happen in the future.
-- Sloman
不管你会不会忘了我,我只想告诉你一个秘密。
--《不能说的·秘密》

Every action generates a force of energy that returns to us in like kind.
-- Deepak Chopra

The furthest distance in the world is not between life and death but when I stand in front of you yet you don't know that I love you.
-- Tagore
Do do not worry about tomorrow; it will have enough worries of its own. There is no need to add to the troubles each day brings.
-- Matt 6:34

まだ不器用に笑うね まだ悲しみが似合うから
キミに降る痛みを 拭ってあげたい すべて I for you
-- I For You

the optimistic pessimist

supposedly an adult, she thinks like an adult (too much, if you ask me). deep inside, she is nothing but a little girl, with her little lofty dreams and ideals. and oops, she is breaking them, one by one.
more often than not, she is just an angsty emo kid.

she is only but
a passer-by,

an onlooker,
a walking shadow.

and this girl can't stop writing.

she stalks

|| cyn bea bao zou mel ||
|| joan weepz ||
|| blockc yeanching lehia kexi zhenlin horace alvin dina sandra becca tzehee ||
|| cruzteng peifen dasmondkoh ||
|| xiaozhu xiaogui sunxiezhi ashin kangyong ||
|| derrick jinglun stefsun natho lawrencewong ||
|| feliciachin joannepeh jeanetteaw sharonaw ||
|| xiaohan hyr chimkang mingde dannyyeo ||
|| xuyunling alvinology mrbrown esther ||
|| drbondar psychdigest ||
|| kfdrawing iwrotethisforyou thingsweforget ||

After all, what is in the past but what we choose to remember? They can choose not to hide it, to take what's broken, to feel the pain and know that it will heal. They know where happiness lies, not in a cave or a country, but in love and the freedom to give and take what has been there all along.
-- The Bonesetter's Daughter

she watches on

Others desire to experience the blessedness of giving, but we often frustrate them by refusing their help.


“你有心事吗?”
“或许有一天,我会告诉你吧。”
--《不能说的·秘密》

she holds on

 Memories were also a way of looking in a mirror, but it was a jagged mirror of broken glass, one that cast imperfect reflections. Like shards, these memories drew blood.

February 2003 March 2003 April 2003 May 2003 June 2003 July 2003 September 2003 October 2003 November 2003 December 2003 January 2004 February 2004 March 2004 April 2004 May 2004 June 2004 July 2004 August 2004 September 2004 October 2004 November 2004 December 2004 January 2005 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 January 2012 February 2012 April 2012 May 2012 June 2012 July 2012 August 2012 October 2012 November 2012 December 2012 January 2013 February 2013 March 2013 April 2013 May 2013 June 2013 July 2013 August 2013 September 2013 October 2013 November 2013 December 2013 January 2014 February 2014 March 2014 April 2014 May 2014 June 2014 July 2014 August 2014 September 2014 October 2014 November 2014 December 2014 January 2015 February 2015 March 2015 April 2015 May 2015 July 2015 September 2015 October 2015 November 2015 December 2015 January 2016 February 2016 March 2016 April 2016 May 2016 June 2016 August 2016 September 2016 October 2016 November 2016 December 2016 January 2017 February 2017 April 2017 May 2017 August 2017 September 2017 October 2017 November 2017 December 2017 January 2018 February 2018 April 2018 June 2018 July 2018 September 2018 October 2018 November 2018 December 2018 February 2019 April 2019 June 2019 August 2019 October 2019 December 2019 January 2020 February 2020 March 2020 April 2020 May 2020 July 2020 November 2020 February 2021 April 2021 July 2021 September 2021 November 2021 March 2022

she never gets

永远不会交的功课 || 永远不会实现的愿望

|| you ||

Responsibility means not blaming anyone or anything for your situation, including yourself... Whatever relationships you have attracted in your life at this moment are precisely the ones you need in your life at this moment. There is a hidden meaning behind all events, and this hidden meaning is serving your own evolution.
-- Deepak Chopra

she thanks

Designer : Wei Jun
Brushes : Deviantart - Spy Glass

I don't know, I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I'm a pair of eyes and ears, and I'm just trying to stay safe and make sense of what's happening. I know what to avoid, what to worry about.I'm like those kids who live with gunfire going off around them. I don't want pain. I don't want to die. I don't want to see other people around me die. But I don't have anything left inside me to figure out where I fit in or what I want. If I want anything, it's to know what's possible to want.
-- The Bonesetter's Daughter

Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
Hebrews 11:1

Tuesday, May 31, 2005
withers away @ 10:06 pm

met joan in the morning to discuss skill c and d.. finished in an hr.. sorry dear that i forgot abt it at first.. u say u got a bad memory.. i think i've got a worse one.. haha..
bea came in the afternoon.. hoho.. did maths.. sian diao loh.. but its nice mugging wif someone:) coz can laugh together haha.. finally started on work.. though it wasnt a lot.. at least it's something..
an old song i heard while shopping a few days ago.. struck me somehow..
Do you still remember how we used to be
Feeling together, believe in whatever my love has said to me
Both of us were dreamers, young love in the sun
Felt like my saviour, my spirit I gave you, we�d only just begun

Hasta manana, always be mine

Viva forever, I�ll be waiting,Everlasting like the sun
Live forever, for the moment,Ever searching for the one

Yes I still remember every whispered word
The touch of your skin giving life from within like a love song that I�d heard
Slipping through our fingers, like the sands of time
Promises made, every memory saved as reflections in my mind

But we�re all alone now, was it just a dream
Feelings untold, they will never be sold, and the secret�s safe with me

It's something Mystical

Monday, May 30, 2005
withers away @ 10:39 pm

went out for whole day again ytd.. didnt go orchard in the end coz they were too tired.. went to visit relatives instead.. den came back, bathe, went out in dad's car again.. took them to esplanade.. lau pa sat.. dunman.. airport.. by then it was v late.. and dad still suggested driving through orchard.. ok.. haha.. so by the time we reached home it was 12.30.. and we sat down ate peanuts and drank ice wine.. omg its nice man.. so sweet! haha.. slept at 2 in the end..
slacked the whole of today away.. drank again.. wah rox man.. haha.. guess wad.. i still havent started work yet.. and i only finished and sent the testimonials today.. oops.. haha..

It's something Mystical

Saturday, May 28, 2005
withers away @ 11:18 pm

hoho.. its time for an update..
ytd.. last day of sch which didnt feel like one at all.. had meeting with vincent, cheng liang, flo and mr koh till 6+ about the camp.. guitar meetings 3 days in a row for a minimum of 2h each is no joke.. guess wad.. im meeting the guys on thurs before spa too.. *faints* ky wants a meeting abt the camp coz we still have stuff unsettled.. hope they can join us for the meeting on thurs.. if not will have another meeting!! argh.. haha.. its only a 2D1N camp and we're dying liao.. its tough organizing a camp.. haha..
oh yes i went to watch touch rug comp too! haha.. didnt get to see the last round though.. had to go home.. congrats ppl!! u all were so cool playing touch! haha.. i nearly forgot that i had to pick up my relatives from m'sia.. my auntie and my uncle's sis.. haha.. after we picked them up we actually went for a little shopping at jurong pt before the place closed.. hoho
today.. shopped the whole day.. gosh.. but it was fun.. auntie saw a pig soft toy and she was actually so excited as though she as a young child.. she has a huge obsession over pigs.. haha.. bought 3.. haha.. and i helped her take a photo with the whole shelf of pigs.. haha.. oh yah we were eating and eating non stop too.. im damn full now.. coz we came home and ate more.. icecream, peanuts and beer.. hoho.. sorry mb my house no more alcohol left i think.. haha.. drank red wine ytd.. oh only left one can.. but will prob finish tml.. haha..
tml.. going to shop again.. bringing them to orchard.. coz my mum will get lost there.. haha.. they're going back on mon morning.. den i'll have to start mugging liao.. oh bea's coming on tues! haha.. we just decided.. yeah! gotta discman again.. a working one that is.. spoilt one is still at home.. sorry pin.. haha..
a month.. i just want to mug in peace..

It's something Mystical

Wednesday, May 25, 2005
withers away @ 11:28 pm

had guitar meeting today.. the camp stuff is still quite messy.. bleah.. had to spend some time clearing up the stuff.. but haha i found my juniors crazy man.. ok lah only two actually.. elizabeth and jiening.. ultimate ip gals man.. they actually intend to push me into the pond during the camp! wad the.. haha.. not only me.. ky and amy too.. and they actually stalked me out of sch! haha.. i wanted to go toilet to escape them and they went in too.. o.O and they splashed water in while i was in the cubicle.. my gosh haha.. can u imagine.. they are juniors that i've only met for the 2nd time! haha.. oh well but they may not be able to go coz they got star programme.. bleah..
have another guitar meeting tml.. with ms ng.. and i gotta get those testimonials out man..

It's something Mystical

Tuesday, May 24, 2005
withers away @ 11:16 pm

didnt blog for some time again.. didnt really know wad to blog abt.. well.. nothing much abt the long weekend.. slacked most of the time.. went out with barney and joanne on sunday to get casie's present.. i want a pw grp outing!! bleah i wonder how long we've been talking abt this man.. and we still havent got the chance to take grp photo/neoprint! hoho.. but we having class outing.. erm.. someone bring camera! haha..
today was crap.. operated on monday timetable.. double gp! plus bio extra lesson at the end.. gosh.. bleah.. last wk of sch.. but doesnt really feel like it.. at least there are nice stuff to look forward to in the first 2 wks of hols.. class outing! yeah!!! guitar camp!! hoho.. well seriously i dun really care abt the turnout anymore.. i just want to get the proper programme out and stuff.. hoho.. of coz more ppl go better lah.. but i guess if ppl really dun wanna go its no point forcing them to.. that's why im sick of persuading ppl to go liao.. haha..
i just hope everything will turn out ok.. nothing unexpected.. nothing.. pls.. im afraid of the unknown, just like everyone is.. im no different..
wo bu ying gai dui ni you ren he xia xiang
jiu ren ping ni wu zhi wu jin de su shuo
you used to be like an angel, but now a devil
duo can ku de xiao hua
wo tao li wo leng jing bu xia lai
ying xu zhi di by f.i.r.

It's something Mystical

Friday, May 20, 2005
withers away @ 11:12 pm

went to toa payoh sports hall to watch bball matches.. looking and cheering for the hci gals team just brings me back to the time when we were in the same place cheering for our own ny team.. well its the same ppl.. haha.. hci gals thrashed vj.. it was so obvious right from the start.. and huijing rox man.. haha.. sorta miss watching her play actually.. until today when we saw her play again.. hoho.. whenever she's not playing barney would keep on saying "hey no. 10 quick go down and play leh" haha.. damn funny..
the guys match was really exciting.. it was a damn close fight.. but tj pia-ed more in the end.. so they won.. but well.. not much feelings for the guys team lahz.. realized i never really watched a guys match till today.. hmm haha..
felt like i became a ny gal all over again today.. haha.. maybe i have never stopped being a ny gal.. ny has indeed a great impact on me.. im sure i'll still be proud to tell ppl im from ny in future.. be it 10 or 20 yrs down the road.. hoho.. ny rox!
wo shi zhong dai zhe ni ai de wei xiao
yi lu shang xun zhao wo yi shi de mei hao
bu xiao xin dang lei hua guo zui jiao
jiu yong ni wo guo de shou mo diao
zai duo de feng jing ye cong bu ting kao
yi xin zhi xun zhao wo yi shi de mei hao
you xie ren shuo bu qing na li hao
dan jiu shi shei dou ti dai bu liao
yi shi de mei hao by zhang shao han

It's something Mystical

withers away @ 12:10 am

taking time off to relax abit before going back to work.. sianz..
ytd was sports meet.. slacked around with the gang.. our class came in 4th in the 4X100m relay.. u all did great! haha.. considering we have no trackers at all and we are competing against trackers lah.. well it was really a damn slack afternoon.. but still got tired.. and fell asleept without doing any work..
didnt go keming today.. went delta to support the hockey team.. lost but good job! hoho.. rained damn heavily.. me and mb waited for rain to stop.. could have left earlier but.. due to some unforseen circumstances.. haha.. we were delayed.. unfortunately..
basically u can see that i've been slacking and not doing any work, which explains why im still trying to do work at this hour.. haha.. should continue doing bio essays now..
not seeing it makes it non-existent..?

It's something Mystical

Monday, May 16, 2005
withers away @ 11:34 pm

hmm i'd say college day went ok.. woke up early in the morning to go pin's hse to watch jay's incomparable.. it rox man.. wish i could see more times of it but.. bleah.. haha..
den went to sch for prac.. our last prac.. slept all the way there.. whenever i woke up i found my head on mb's shoulder haha.. my hair tickled her haha.. coz i didnt tie it up.. was late but as usual realised that they havent started prac yet.. we were really slacking coz there was plenty of time.. ate dinner pretty early.. didnt really do anything else anymore.. went to report with ky and met quite a lot of ppl along the way.. barry tan thought we were in dance o.O haha.. waved to ms lim too haha.. bleah.. but we were sorta late to go to backstage.. whitby was screaming at us and we ran there.. by the time we were in backstage guzheng was already on stage.. haha.. i realized i forgot to take off my watch.. had to leave it in yiyun's pants pocket.. haha.. we couldnt really settle down after that.. guess it affected our performance.. but i think we sounded better than all the rehearsals.. though we thought we didnt play that well, ms ng and mr koh said we did well.. doink.. mb said granada was ok but brazilian street dance was a total mess.. we didnt think it was.. shiwei played some stuff wrongly but timing wasnt off leh.. so we were guessing its prob the mics.. nothing to do with pa though.. just the way the mics picked up the sounds and stuff.. oh yah sanjay screwed up his solo! gosh.. haha..
but still, i dun really care abt how others think abt our performance.. we are of a gold standard and we know it ourselves.. haha.. so we were still pretty high when we went back to the container to record our playing.. mr koh brought the stuff to let us record.. he brought his drum sticks too haha.. took photos.. gave ms ng and mr koh the presents we bought.. hoho..
forgo guitar grp and class dinner to go out with the gang! haha.. its been a long long time since we went out like that to eat and slack.. really enjoyed myself.. stayed in kfc till it was going to close.. haha.. friends are always the nicest ppl to be ard with.. :)

It's something Mystical

Friday, May 13, 2005
withers away @ 11:44 pm

ytd's the last day barry tan taught us.. quite sad actually.. guess coz he taught us for relatively long.. for a relief teacher.. 3 wks.. after he finished going thru the tutorial and went on his "farewell speech", we could all see that he was going to cry.. or maybe he did cry but just blinked his tears away.. me and nan were like praying and hoping that he wun cry.. oh we took photos too! actually he still acts like a student.. well he's just 2 yrs older than us.. oh and yunying is teaching us on tues.. haha..
tml's college day.. the last time we're going to perform tgt.. i know i'll miss guitar pracs man.. same for ky.. we've been talking abt this.. and both of us feel quite sad coz cca's gonna end officially though there's still camp.. cant help but look back.. the long winding road we've travelled tgt.. thanks to everyone for the memorable journey.. and now lets end it well.. by playing our best tml.. though the hall acoustics just absolutely sucks esp for an instrument like guitar.. 30+ ppl.. its ok we'll make it through..
oh tml we're going pin's hse.. incomparable..
bleah unfortunately im still pms-ing.. im sorry.. its been a sucky week.. and today's a sucky day too..
ba ai fang kai
ba shou fang kai
ru guo ni de xin yi bu zai
ba ai fang kai
bu zai deng dai
ni de wen rou shi yi pian kong bai
ba ai fang kai
ba xin fang kai
zhe ci wo jue ding zou chu hui yi chong lai
jiu rang wo che di de shang
zai che di de xing guo lai

zhong yu ming bai ai yi bu zai
cong jin yi hou zai ye mei you shen me neng qu yi lai
wo hai you shen me qi dai
ba ai fang kai by f.i.r.

It's something Mystical

Monday, May 09, 2005
withers away @ 10:54 pm

have we lost it again
did we even get it back in the first place
or was it only a futile attempt
why have i suddenly become so insecure again
where is the faith i'm supposed to have
why do i always think there's something wrong
or am i the one with something wrong
or am i just pms-ing ><

feeling threatened
yet not knowing what to do to defend what i call my own

It's something Mystical

Saturday, May 07, 2005
withers away @ 11:14 pm

oh wells ytd was hell man.. college day tech run.. oh wells.. whitby is scary.. well i think i knew it frm ms ng when she told me we MUST not be late if not she wun wanna be there to listen to the scolding.. got quite scared when i saw how he scolded some grps.. lucky we didnt get scolded.. couldnt really screw up anyway since we all came out frm the back stage when the curtains were drawn.. haha.. and after everyone was dismissed we had to stay back coz we needed to settle stuff like lighting and sitting arrangement with the stage crew and pa.. the chairs were like so squeezy i could see the whole grp trying to not hit ppl with their guitars haha.. the guys didnt even know where they could put their guitars lah.. haha.. and we had to wait for the band to finish settling their stuff first.. gosh.. and we were all hungry.. no more food in vending machine.. rox lahz.. but we entertained ourselves by playing the guitar and singing along.. haha..
oh yah i must mention this man.. 2 items before ours, we were waiting outside the hall waiting to go into the backstage.. me and ky couldnt decide whether to let the grp stand or remain seated after the brazilian st dance ppl finish playing.. oh btw its a nice piece! haha.. so ky wanted to ask wenhao.. but he couldnt really hear or smth.. so she pointed at him and said stop moving.. and he literally stopped moving with both his hands up in the air, holding his footstool somemore.. he had such a comical look on his face me and bea just couldnt stop laughing.. haha.. and when i turned back to look at him he was still at that same position.. gosh haha.. damn funny..
well by the time i reached home ytd it was alr 10+.. ate dinner.. bathe.. 11.. rox lah.. damn tired.. and i think its going to be the same for the whole of next wk.. best sia.. i think it'll just end up like pre-syf period lidat.. and guess wad.. mon's half day but we haf prac.. well i think we need it.. coz wed is full dress and our granada sorta sux after not playing for a wk or so.. haha.. it sounded terrible when we were still in CA3, our holding area.. guitars not tuned.. sounded like shit haha.. so we need the mon prac lahz.. sian diao.. but really i think im going to miss guit pracs after college day.. will haf interaction with the j1s after that still until we hand over in july.. but still.. oh wells i guess guitar has already become part of my life.. heez:)

It's something Mystical

Thursday, May 05, 2005
withers away @ 2:50 pm

its been a long time since im online.. oh wells.. lets update..
we had a treat frm ms ng and mr koh on mon! hahaz.. though mr koh was sick and didnt come.. MARCHE!! hohoho.. we had lots of fun.. and not forgetting lunch time entertainment by shiwei and wenhao.. haha.. enjoyed myself but got really tired and didnt want to do any work when i went home haha..
well i expected ytd's prac to be chaos.. and indeed it was.. all thanks to me.. oh wells.. and i think i pissed mr koh off.. oops.. haiz.. nvm.. haha..
oh yah congrats to joan and cyn!! hoho.. choirs rox man..
well today's just another day.. but next wk is going to be hell.. actually starting frm tml.. college day rehearsals.. and there's still alot to do for guitar.. maybe im glad that my term isnt coming to an end so soon.. can organize more stuff with exco for the yr 1s! hahaz.. i think im just mad nvm..
her songs rox..
I cannot find a way to describe it
It's there inside
All I do is hide
I wish that it would just go away
What would you do
You do if you knew
What would you do

Chorus
All the pain
I thought I knew
All the thoughts lead back to you
Back to what
Was never said
Back and forth
Inside my head
I can't handle this confusion
I'm unable come and take me away

I feel like I'm all alone
All by myself
I need to get around this
My words are cold
I don't want them to hurt you
If I show you
I don't think you'd understand
'Cause no one understands

Chorus

I'm going nowhere on and on and
I'm getting nowhere on and on and on
I'm going nowhere on and on and off and on and off and on

Chorus

Take me away
Break me away
Take me away
take me away by avril lavigne

It's something Mystical